i'm really no good at goodbyes

I came on board with Do Good almost exactly 2 years ago. The organization found me at a point of immense transition, both for it and for me; it found me at a time when I felt lost in my work and needed to pursue something that felt fun and creative, but with purpose. Although Do Good was seeking humans with skills that I possess, in retrospect I can confidently say that I needed it more than it needed me.

Whether or not it was conscious, Krystal knew what she was doing when she put Ashley and I together. It was one of those pairings that could only be described as divinely guided because of how beautifully we complimented each other in every way fathomable. Where her brain races at all hours of the day, constantly channeling ideas and inspiration from both the Universe and the world around her, I was able to translate her ideas onto paper and organize her passions. Where her strengths lie in running the store in all of its nuances, I came in with the digital side to translate her in-store experience to our online community. Ashley created a safe space where the expectation was only ever to be the best human that we can be; strive for excellence over perfection. Ashley taught me how to be vulnerable, how to dig deeper. Admittedly sometimes I still question where, how, and if I need to draw a line on how much is too much, but if that’s the worst of my problems then we’re doing pretty okay.

All this is to say that when my father unexpectedly died about three weeks after I came on board, Ashley became my grief guru. If you’re curious about why she was able to step into that role for me, I encourage you to check out our past blog posts where she shares her story. The morning it happened, I called her to fill her in and try to finagle my upcoming shifts and minimize my down time (as every Millennial who has been brainwashed by this Capitalist society that leaves no room for being a human experiences). She immediately stopped me and told me to take the time I needed and to not burden myself with that.

Over the course of the next 6 months, I experienced 2 more deaths in my family. The women within and behind this organization continuously rallied around me as I figured out how to wade through my grief, my fog, my anxiety. They nurtured me as I learned about life, about death, and about caring for myself through the inevitable cycle of life. At the risk of sounding cliche, I wouldn’t have made it through 2019 as gracefully as I did without the love of these women.

To Ashley, who taught me that ~going there~ isn’t as scary as it seems. Who taught me that connection and vulnerability is of peak importance. Who never hesitates to shout out our strengths and celebrate our abilities, whether cultivated or innate. Who is everybody’s number one cheerleader, whether stranger or friend. Who empowers everyone around her, even when she questions her own light. I see you. I thank you. I love you.

To Ali, who exudes ease and kindness unlike anyone I’ve ever met. Who shows up fully and without question or expectation. Who sees people with such honesty and inspiration in a way I’ve never seen before - and then proceeds to capture it on film, which is magical in and of itself. Who is the definition of authenticity and unconditional love, even in the midst of the waves of life. Whose presence is akin to taking the deepest breath of the freshest air. I see you. I thank you. I love you.

To LE, who I’ve only known for a short time yet but with whom I already feel so strongly connected. Who is so honest about all facets of her journey. Who approaches every situation with the most infectious sense of humor and a sparkle that goes unmatched. Who radiates passion and innovation in everything she touches. Who is the most multi-faceted human with a list of interests longer than the Oxford English Dictionary. I see you. I thank you. I love you.

My journey with Do Good is irrelevant without the influence of these women.

My evolution would have been very different if it wasn’t for them, not only through my healing journey but also now through my pregnancy.

At the time that this blog post will go live, I will be giving birth to my first child in approximately 15 days, and if there is anything that caught me completely off guard about this experience is how much attention my inner child demanded over the last 9 months. Objectively speaking, there can rarely (if ever) be growth without discomfort, and yet I never anticipated so much inner turmoil. Just as my body has been preparing itself for this transition, so too has my spirit been healing to fully take on this new role.

Two of the biggest themes that I’ve been guided to work through are boundaries and surrender, both of which did not previously come naturally to me as a self-diagnosed people pleaser with an immense need for control. There were moments when the discomfort felt so intense it was as if I was coming out of my skin and the only way to calm my nervous system was to be diligent and intentional with my self care. Being intentional with my self care required getting to know myself on an even deeper level than before.

Personally, the concept of energetics always felt like my truth. Within that, the wisdom found in our astrological charts and our human design provided blueprints for me to peel back the layers society gave me to uncover my most authentic self. The closer I get to that core identity, the more able I am to care for myself and to show up in the world.

I am a Cancer sun. I am a Cancer rising. I am a Libra moon.

In moments of intense growing pains, I returned to that core identity. I returned to my needs. I returned to my unique energetic blueprint.

I spent time with myself, avoiding being in public in order to recharge my batteries.

I baked. I baked so much. There isn’t another time in my life when I baked as much as I did during this pregnancy.

I took photos.

I walked my dogs in the fresh air and the sunshine.

When I felt the need to do, I tapped into my Capricorn north node and I worked. I picked up freelance work and dove head first into my projects. I set myself up to pivot successfully in order to be a work from home mother.

I journaled.

I napped.

I cut my hair.

I got my nails done.

I meditated.

I cried.

I rested.

I organized.

I cleaned.

It was an intuitive cycle of learning how to balance my physical needs with my spiritual needs. It was a time of hibernation and growth. It was a time of discovery, of discomfort, of lessons. It was uncomfortable.

And now being 2 short weeks out from meeting my greatest teacher and my greatest love, I can say with the depths of my being that I have peace. I’ll likely be learning the art of surrender for the rest of my days in this body, but for now I am ready to hand over the reins.

At the end of this metamorphosis, I found trust - not only in myself, but in the process, in the Universe.

Serving Do Good for the last 2 years has been one of the greatest privileges of my life. Never have I been a part of something so genuine and so good. Never have I been part of a team with so much heart. I will never champion the notion that our careers are our life’s purpose, however something (everything?) about this organization guided me deeper, closer to the woman that I was always meant to become.

Trust the journey, my friends. Stay the path. Every step guides you closer to yourself.